I love to dream. I am a vivid dreamer and if I could eat popcorn while I was asleep, my dreams are usually better than any movie. They are detailed, realistic and sometimes funny, sometimes exciting and more than often, really odd. This morning I was dreaming that I was at work somewhere. I can't say that I recognized where I was working or the 2 supervisor type women I was speaking to, but I knew it was work.
We were talking about my dad and when he was diagnosed with lung cancer, which was in 1986. In this dream, I calculated correctly that if dad were living he would be 90 at his next birthday. But, because of the uncertain world of the subconscious, not all of my math skills were accurate as I said he was 53 when he was diagnosed.
This miscalculation woke me up out of a dead sleep.
Turning 53 is just around the corner for me. As I laid there waiting for my heart beat to come down from hummingbird range, I remembered this scripture in James 4:
14 What
do you know about tomorrow? How can you be so sure about your life? It
is nothing more than mist that appears for only a little while before it
disappears.
Where do dreams come from? I have no idea and I don't think anyone else really knows. But, yesterday, I had a similar wake up call and I was wide awake. As I sat in an employment office of a hospital waiting for yet another job interview, I noticed other applicants as they walked in the office. The first was a woman in her mid 30s. She was carrying a copy of her CV and she was dressed nicely (better than me) and was quite conservative in her appearance. I have been there and done that. The dressed for success look geared for early to mid career when enthusiasm remainns high but has been tempered by experience. Then the second was a much younger woman, She was obviously early in her career (possibly the first post-college job) and she was dressed little more formally and even decided to wear a lot of her bling. Ah, the enthusiastic, almost Polly Ann-ish, excitement of entering the post graduate work force.
Then there I sat. I did not spend a lot of time on my hair (or should I say 'hairs' as I could number them if the notion struck me). No tie, but I did wear nice shoes. I am, at this point of my career a dedicated believer in WYSIWYG, or "what you see is what you get".
It dawned on me. "What do they REALLY get?". By this point in my career, I should have roots so deep that dynamite could not get me out of the job. And I am not all that removed from the age in which serious health issues changed my dad forever. What am I doing?
As my heart
rate finally slowed and as the tears began to well in my eyes, I
realized dad was 63 when he was diagnosed. Then a whole series of number
coincidences began flooding my mind. I was born in 1963. Madi's
birthday is 9 weeks away, which is 63 days. I have held 9 different
jobs as a nurse practitioner. I am not a believer in coincidence so I
wonder about the significance of all of this.
Then i
remember the foundation of this blog in which I defined wanting to love
God with all my heart, soul, mind and body. Part of being a Christian
involves TRANSFORMING. That means, changing. So if I really wanted to
have zealous intentions, I have to change and change to a point that I
cannot be confused with my former self.
Talk about wake up calls!!
I have walked parts of this path. My mom passed with lung cancer at the age of 44. I remember the kind of constant, low level, continuous, fear that I experienced as I approached that age, myself. I have been blessed to have survived almost 4 years beyond that age, thus far. In my particular family, on the female side, one generation seems to pass quite prematurely and the next live a little longer…great granny died early forties, granny died mid 60’s, mom died mid forties…now it is me..and mid 60’s ain’t so far off either. I am seeing physical signs that what plagued granny will most likely plague me as well, health wise.
ReplyDeleteI will say this, for myself, I am not afraid to die. I have been in a couple situations where it was quite possible that this could imminently occur. I am concerned that I have not done all that I should, currently, and that my children are not in such a place that they would be ok if my time would present now. But maybe they would. I am a firm believer that if it is truly one’s time to pass all the marvel of medical technology and manipulations will not save you and if it is truly not one’s time, the worst case scenario will not have you either. I truly think God has the absolute final say, there. We may ask, He may grant, but it is all for his purpose in the end. That is just me, though.
I agree that to be used for God’s purpose we must change. But, I believe that we are unable to create such a change within ourselves, by ourselves, successfully. I believe what is required for these necessary changes to occur is a great and sometimes painful, absolute total willingness to allow ourselves to BE changed by the things God will place in the path that will make us new creatures. We must learn to cultivate an openness of heart and mind and a denial of self and want. We just need to let his hands do the work and be molded as clay. Not for what we want, but for that which He has planned. He will design, mold and, proof the vessel as He sees fit. That is not so easy for some, of which I am one. I always try to second guess God as well as myself and I muck it all up. He doesn’t need my input, he requires my total compliance.
“Then I looked at all the works that my hand had wrought, and on the labour that I had labored to do: and Behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit and there was no profit under the sun,” Ecclessiastes 2:11
“A new heart will I give you, and a new spirit will I put in you, I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you shall keep My judgments, and Do them,” Ezekiel 36:26-27.
“The things which are impossible with men, are possible with God,” Luke 18:27.
The peanut gallery has now shared it’s three bits..:) I am a KJV kinda gal.
Wonderful post! Keeps my thoughts on the path.