Diggin up Bones

You ever known a kid who absolutely struggles with school? This kid aces the academics but cannot handle the social aspects. It is a guy who is so painfully shy that it becomes obvious as nervousness overcomes him. He gets tongue tied, he gets sweaty and anxious, and physically he becomes a wreck. His reaction to stress, which may be as minor as talking to a girl, causes others to take notice and laugh or poke fun at him. As a result, the boy stays far away from all dances and bonfires. He defines "socially awkward".

I was that guy. I can still remember girls laughing and poking fun at me just to see me blush or sweat. And, believe me, I can name names if I need to as I certainly have not forgotten the pain. When the rest of my friends were dating, I shot free throws in my driveway. As a result, after a period of warm up, I can still ht between 5-8 BACKWARD free throws. This is a skill without a lot of applicability in life, however.

I finally and slowly overcame shyness. I have devoted a lifetime and a career helping people to the best of my ability. I have spent a lifetime helping people seek out their inner beauty when they do not see it through the veil of life's pain. Most days, I do not even think about the painful past, but I have to admit I really have no desire to do anything associated with former high school "buddies".

Last night, out of the blue, I was insulted on a social media site. Someone from "those days" inferred that I was never and would never be attractive. OK, I can see that evidence in the mirror, but this person has no idea what my inner attractiveness may be. You see, they did not speak to me back then to assess the "real" me and they have no idea what makes me tick today. I guess I did not let this water run off my back like I normally do. In some of the settings in which I have worked (prison, state hospitals) I have been called some pretty inventive names. But, last night some bones were dug up close to Halloween.

How do we deal with stuff like that when it arises?

1. Avoid the primal response. As I re-read the comment made the second time (the first time I was shocked and did not absorb it all), my mind conjured up some not so nice quick responses that most would admit they would entertain. What good would that response do? None. Instead, I simply mentioned that I did not appreciate an insult that apparently aged like cheese for 30 years.

2. Understand that people will always be critical. It does not matter how much I feel I have helped people and how I think my life's work matters to mankind, man (or woman) possess individual agendas and motives that are in no way connected to me. Expressing them, I suppose, is cheaper than the therapy they may need.

3. "To thine own self, be true". My life continues despite someone's opinion. Yes, I look back at the experiences from middle and high school with great disdain. To me, it is like thinking about last year's stomach flu. I am glad its over and never want to experience it again.

I would be a liar if I said the comment did not bother me. It did cost me a few minutes of sleep.This morning, it motivates me to look deeper inside myself and really see what I am. Things, big or small, helpful or hurtful, happen for a reason.

3 Ways to Combat Disappointment

I have an idea for a great vacation. I want to go to Vancouver Island and spend a week hiking and camping in the woods looking for Bigfoot. I want to do the night hikes, the calls, the wood knocking and spend time kayaking around the island. To me, this sounds like an amazing adventure. To my surprise, when I mention this plan to my wife Denise, she politely listens and then says in a calm, quiet manner, "No." It does not sound like much fun to her and she is sure the kids would not like it either. And after reflection, I am not sure how I would deal with the 50 pounds of cheese we would need to go with all the "whine" Denise, Madi and Mathias would be serving. My point is, even though it seemed perfect to me (still does BTW), my vision was not shared by my family.

Daily I talk to people who are disappointed. They are disappointed in themselves or they are disappointed in someone else. Many times, this disappointment leads to arguments, tears and sadly, bloodshed. When people are disappointed, they feel let down, betrayed or ignored. I never claimed to be a genius, but being let down, betrayed and ignored do not rank highly on the ways people want to feel. Now, utilizing my familiar Stooges Rule (3 things or bullet points to a topic), I will share 3 ways to combat disappointment.

1. Do NOT place your dreams, ideas or expectations on someone else's behavior. My idea of a vacation is not shared as fun or worthwhile. Have you ever heard anyone say, "I did not like the way they treated me at that party."? The person slighted them or maybe poked fun of them in front of someone they were hoping to impress. The slighted person gets angry and hurt because they thought the other person was their friend or had their back. What happened is that a person became hurt over the actions of another they could not control. You want your kid to be a brain surgeon? All parents want their kids to succeed but remember that some kids want to be the best starving artist they can be. In other words, do not define another person's success based on your standards. If you have underaged children, of course this doe not fully apply: they will do as you say, when you say...(sarcasm intended)

2. Make sure your vision is not clouded. Perception can be seriously impacted by cloudy or foggy conditions. This is where I ask you to stretch your comfort zone. Our cloudy vision often occurs without out knowledge. Years and years of experiences-some good, some bad- lead to conclusions that we rarely challenge. For years, I assumed that the Bible says a person will go to Hell if they commit suicide. That statement is nowhere to be found in the Holy Bible. People feel that network marketing is an illegal pyramid scheme but the truth is a few bad business apples have ruined the perception of the industry. I personally know some very genuine people who are living a dream lifestyle helping others. Open your mind to possibilities as long as those possibilities are legal, ethical and moral. I also recommend that the ideas also fall in line with your core spiritual values.

3. DO NOT accept expectations placed on you that are not in YOUR interest. People want to control other people. It is human nature. Anxiety rises when a person tries to meet the expectations of another that they just cannot meet. Insecurity begins to blossom and then all of a sudden, a person has a bumper crop of insecurity. Again, the boundaries must be defined by ethics, legality and morality. As Billy Shakes said, "To thine own self be true." Strive to meet your OWN expectations. If others do not like this approach, they need to read #1.

Today, you will either place an expectation on yourself or someone else. Chances are, an expectation or two may not be met. It is not the end of the world. It is merely a new staring point. Success has more than one path and surely more than one definition.

Wake up calls

I love to dream. I am a vivid dreamer and if I could eat popcorn while I was asleep, my dreams are usually better than any movie. They are detailed, realistic and sometimes funny, sometimes exciting and more than often, really odd. This morning I was dreaming that I was at work somewhere. I can't say that I recognized where I was working or the 2 supervisor type women I was speaking to, but I knew it was work.

We were talking about my dad and when he was diagnosed with lung cancer, which was in 1986. In this dream, I calculated correctly that if dad were living he would be 90 at his next birthday. But, because of the uncertain world of the subconscious, not all of my math skills were accurate as I said he was 53 when he was diagnosed.

This miscalculation woke me up out of a dead sleep.

Turning 53 is just around the corner for me. As I laid there waiting for my heart beat to come down from hummingbird range, I remembered this scripture in James 4:

¹⁴ What do you know about tomorrow? How can you be so sure about your life? It is nothing more than mist that appears for only a little while before it disappears. 

Where do dreams come from? I have no idea and I don't think anyone else really knows. But, yesterday, I had a similar wake up call and I was wide awake. As I sat in an employment office of a hospital waiting for yet another job interview, I noticed other applicants as they walked in the office. The first was a woman in her mid 30s. She was carrying a copy of her CV and she was dressed nicely (better than me) and was quite conservative in her appearance. I have been there and done that. The dressed for success look geared for early to mid career when enthusiasm remainns high but has been tempered by experience. Then the second was a much younger woman, She was obviously early in her career (possibly the first post-college job) and she was dressed  little more formally and even decided to wear a lot of her bling. Ah, the enthusiastic, almost Polly Ann-ish, excitement of entering the post graduate work force.

 Then there I sat. I did not spend a lot of time on my hair (or should I say 'hairs' as I could number them if the notion struck me). No tie, but I did wear nice shoes. I am, at this point of my career a dedicated believer in WYSIWYG, or "what you see is what you get".


It dawned on me. "What do they REALLY get?". By this point in my career, I should have roots so deep that dynamite could not get me out of the job. And I am not all that removed from the age in which serious health issues changed my dad forever. What am I doing?



As my heart rate finally slowed and as the tears began to well in my eyes, I realized dad was 63 when he was diagnosed. Then a whole series of number coincidences began flooding my mind. I was born in 1963. Madi's birthday is 9 weeks away, which is 63 days. I have held 9 different jobs as a nurse practitioner. I am not a believer in coincidence so I wonder about the significance of all of this.


Then i remember the foundation of this blog in which I defined wanting to love God with all my heart, soul, mind and body. Part of being a Christian involves TRANSFORMING. That means, changing. So if I really wanted to have zealous intentions, I have to change and change to a point that I cannot be confused with my former self.


Talk about wake up calls!!

All you can eat lesson

The nurse practitioner part of me comes out in this post.  Educating others about health ranks high on my priority list and information about mental health has a special place in my heart. The National Institute of Mental Health’s web site offers statistics about generalized anxiety disorder. This disorder, known as GAD, affects more than 5 percent of the adult population in a lifetime. The average age of onset of symptoms is over 30. As with most mental health issues, GAD is likely under reported and many suffer in silence because of the stigma associated with mental illness or lack of information regarding the illness and its treatment.

I have worked in the mental health setting a long time. I have been around a little longer than Prozac. I have seen, diagnosed and treated many individuals with GAD. I have seen how GAD can destroy lives and upset families. Treatment often includes medications and/or counseling. What I have observed is that aside from formal treatment, suffers need support, empathy and quite a bit of behavior modification.

MEDICATIONS

I am not going into details about the medications that are used to treat GAD. All I am going to say is that medications come with side effects and risks. Medication choices vary from provider to provider. The truth is that some providers do treat GAD with medications that have a high addictive potential. Yes, I know that ALL the literature says that addictive medications SHOULD not be used, but in the real world, they are being used and abused. All I know is that person cannot have side effects from a medication they have never taken and there is no such thing as a safe medication.

THERAPY

Therapy proves to be effective and some studies may indicate even more effective than medications. However, therapy may or may not be covered under insurance plans and without coverage, many folks just cannot afford therapy. Also, it takes two to tango and a receiver of therapy has to interested and engaged in getting better. Do not dismiss the number of people who do not want to either improve or appear to improve because of secondary gain. It happens.

MY WAY OF EDUCATING

I am a simple guy, in more ways than one. I relate that before I begin to educate and I explain that I use analogies often. I have two favorites to use in teaching about GAD, and, yes, I know they both involve food. You use what you know best, I suppose.

ALL YOU CAN EAT

Let me tell you, when the Hipes Clan shows up at an “All You Can Eat” place, the owners run to try and lock the doors. So, they give you this tiny plate (a trough would be too small) and you pile it up with all the items on the buffet. You start the high wire act- carefully balancing and trying to get to the table without spillage. Undoubtedly, something falls off and hits the floor..forgetaboutit..

In GAD, you have hit the Worry Buffet way too hard. You push stuff on the plate of life at every opportunity and then something you need falls off your plate and out of your mind. Worry causes difficulty in remembering things. You worry so much you feel you are losing your mind, in addition to your car keys, shoes and wallet.

THE WHOLE PIZZA

My second analogy involves the pizza of your choice made by your favorite pizza pie artist. And, it is all yours. You are salivating and may be mistaken for being rabid. Then, you open wide and try to “one bite” the whole pie. What? You cannot do it? Why? Because it is too much to ingest and digest at once and if you try you make choke? Wow, that does not stop a person with GAD from trying to “swallow” all their worries and the others they usually take on just so they can reinforce their worries. Plus, with all those constant worries comes the sense that a person with GAD must do MORE so that no one will know they are worried about everything. Cut the dang pie into bite sized pieces. Go after the small worries first because they are weak and will die quickly.

I know me and I know that I will someday approach GAD in this blog. I do try and contain my inner NP, but sometimes it just explodes out of me. I know I will address what the Bible says about anxiety soon. Faith can play a huge role in overcoming anxiety and stress.

The Evil Villain Worry

Kids. Bills. Job. Health. Insurance. Taxes. The check engine light on the truck. The leaky toilet. The economy. I could go on and on with the never ending list of worries that pop in our minds. Big worries, small worries, worries that climb on rocks-our lives are full of self inflicted stressors. I can speak of worry as an expert because I come from a long line of “worriers”.  I have been trained from birth to attempt to handle and brainstorm every single “what if” scenario.

Do you want to know the silliest of my worries? I worry about oversleeping. I am not sure what would happen if I overslept, but I am sure it may be the predictor of the Rapture. I bet some of you imagine that this started after I entered the working world and you would be so wrong. Here is where it really gets odd. I do not and have NEVER used an alarm clock. I mean I have been like this since I was 9 years old. I wake up no less than 4 times a night just so I can see what time it is. The sickness that lives in my head will have me guess the time before I open my eyes, like I am going to win a cruise or something if I am correct. I can honestly only recall 2 times or so in my life that I slept past 10AM on a Saturday! The very first time I recall doing that was about a week after my high school graduation and I remember vividly my grandmother was visiting.

Why do I worry about oversleeping?  All I know is that admitting my worry sets up a nice platform to open the discussion.

1.     Most of the things we worry about never come true, and if they do, the results are rarely catastrophic. Have I overslept in the past? Nope. If I did, I would likely survive without losing my job and may have to endure some teasing at work. I am fairly certain I would not be executed.

2.     Worry is a fear without a face. In this case, my worry about oversleeping literally keeps me awake at night and robs me of the sleep I need. What frightens me about oversleeping? I have no clue.

3.     Worry smothers itself in negativity. Negative thoughts then lead to negative actions which lead to negative energy and feelings.

4.     Worry becomes a habit. I will worry if there is nothing worrying me. Talk about toxic, self inflicted wounds.

5.     Worry stimulates the body to react to stress. This distress has many physical ramifications that, unlike milk, “does NOT do a body good”.

6.     Worry can be pathological.

So, what is an accomplished worrier with more than 40 years of experience supposed to do when he knows money is tight, the job is shaky because of a contract issue, and the IRS bill is, well, scarier than Freddy Krueger ever could be? Besides, worrying about stuff gives me “control”, right? Surely, if I toss and turn enough nights and make myself a sleep deprived lunatic, I can solve this problem. Yeah, right, that has worked SO well. 

What if I lean on God and look to Him for answers? God makes it SIMPLE if we will just have faith. Look at Philippians 4:6-7, “⁶ Don’t worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God. ⁷ Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel.” Then Jesus says in Matthew 6:25 “ I tell you not to worry about your life. Don’t worry about having something to eat, drink, or wear. Isn’t life more than food or clothing?”.

I am a work in progress. I pray daily that God will help me overcome my issues and I know others suffer right along with me. So, with God, I can overcome this nemesis. So , stay tuned until the next time. Same blog site. Same blog channel.