You ever known a kid who absolutely struggles with school? This kid aces the academics but cannot handle the social aspects. It is a guy who is so painfully shy that it becomes obvious as nervousness overcomes him. He gets tongue tied, he gets sweaty and anxious, and physically he becomes a wreck. His reaction to stress, which may be as minor as talking to a girl, causes others to take notice and laugh or poke fun at him. As a result, the boy stays far away from all dances and bonfires. He defines "socially awkward".
I was that guy. I can still remember girls laughing and poking fun at me just to see me blush or sweat. And, believe me, I can name names if I need to as I certainly have not forgotten the pain. When the rest of my friends were dating, I shot free throws in my driveway. As a result, after a period of warm up, I can still ht between 5-8 BACKWARD free throws. This is a skill without a lot of applicability in life, however.
I finally and slowly overcame shyness. I have devoted a lifetime and a career helping people to the best of my ability. I have spent a lifetime helping people seek out their inner beauty when they do not see it through the veil of life's pain. Most days, I do not even think about the painful past, but I have to admit I really have no desire to do anything associated with former high school "buddies".
Last night, out of the blue, I was insulted on a social media site. Someone from "those days" inferred that I was never and would never be attractive. OK, I can see that evidence in the mirror, but this person has no idea what my inner attractiveness may be. You see, they did not speak to me back then to assess the "real" me and they have no idea what makes me tick today. I guess I did not let this water run off my back like I normally do. In some of the settings in which I have worked (prison, state hospitals) I have been called some pretty inventive names. But, last night some bones were dug up close to Halloween.
How do we deal with stuff like that when it arises?
1. Avoid the primal response. As I re-read the comment made the second time (the first time I was shocked and did not absorb it all), my mind conjured up some not so nice quick responses that most would admit they would entertain. What good would that response do? None. Instead, I simply mentioned that I did not appreciate an insult that apparently aged like cheese for 30 years.
2. Understand that people will always be critical. It does not matter how much I feel I have helped people and how I think my life's work matters to mankind, man (or woman) possess individual agendas and motives that are in no way connected to me. Expressing them, I suppose, is cheaper than the therapy they may need.
3. "To thine own self, be true". My life continues despite someone's opinion. Yes, I look back at the experiences from middle and high school with great disdain. To me, it is like thinking about last year's stomach flu. I am glad its over and never want to experience it again.
I would be a liar if I said the comment did not bother me. It did cost me a few minutes of sleep.This morning, it motivates me to look deeper inside myself and really see what I am. Things, big or small, helpful or hurtful, happen for a reason.
I found myself feeling really angry as I read this John. I know this makes them appear nasty not you but the words hurt and were public. This is what I don't get; maybe I am biased because I do know you and love you so much but I have always found you to be a very handsome and attractive man. That is said with all due respect to April. Love y'all.
ReplyDeleteGood morning.
ReplyDeleteI am always amazed and disappointed when adults behave in such a cruel manner. Children do not always have maturity or a good enough sense of self and compassion for others to truly understand why they behave in such ways and what it can do to that person.
I was fortunate during adolescents that although I was the fat girl and I had teeth that were stained from massive antibiotics after birth, making me an easy target, I did not encounter a great deal of ill treatment by my peers. I also worked hard to try to insure this did not happen.
My grandmother taught me early on to be able to recognized and anticipate people's likes and needs to better find favor with others. I learned to be funny, to laugh at myself, first, to be compassionate and nurturing, to work harder, to do more...to attempt to change people's opinions of me, if necessary. It worked for me, mostly.
She also taught me that people who behave in such a negative way should be looked upon with a certain amount of pity, as such individuals usually have a sense of inferiority in some way concerning those people they belittle and humiliate. I agree with that mostly. But some people are just mean.
What could hurt me, and still can, was if someone I cared about or looked up to treated me in such a manner. And they did. On 4 occasions..2 teachers...ex-husband before we were married, and my sister. I do not generally dwell on those occasions, much. But they were brought to my remembrance as I read this.
I also cannot help but mention this scripture that came to mind when I read this blog, as well.
Gen50:20 New Living Translation..."You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people."
You have overcome. You are a blessing to others, in part, because you have overcome many obstacles and are overcoming even more, still.
Blog On!!
I was very shy and for most of my school years overweight.I seen school girls I thought were cute but I'd never say anything.I never went to my own high school prom.I did go to my friend's prom when she ask if I'd go with her to her prom.I'm glad I did because I had a good time.I never did make fun of anyone in school because of size,looks or for any other reason.When I was 22 years old, I was probably the thinnest I ever was and I was really looking good at that time.Lots of girls did flirt with me.I was still very shy at that time.It did angry me when girls talked with me that wouldn't give me the time of day when I was fat.What somebody weighs on a scale or their hair color or any number of thing isn't a reason to choose to a friend or someone you would date but what is on the inside is what counts.I may or may not lose weight in the future.I will not let it be a deciding factor in who I am.I'm happy with who I am.If people like me or they don't that is their choice.Be happy with who you are.
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