The NUMBER ONE KEY to Friendship

Of all the resources and all the blogs, the fate of the Universe and the ONE thing that a friend MUST do will be revealed here today. There have been countless greeting cards, books and TV movies that depict what makes a great friend. I know, there have been many catchy tunes that have revealed secrets of friendship.

Friend has a simple enough definition. The online dictionary defines friend as “a person attached to another by personal feelings of affection or regard”. Many, including myself, hold a much deeper definition of friend. Friends are like 5 pound diamond: rare and extremely valuable. Reaching “friend” status takes a lot of time and effort, and the effort is well worth it.

Another concern I have with that store bought definition is that it eliminates everything except humans. I have had dogs that have lived up to “man’s best friend” and my son has a stuffed Goofy who could not be a better friend.

So what is THE secret to being a good friend and what can we all improve on to strengthen our friendships? What is THE ONE THING?...

Listen

Many people claim to be great listeners and it is a quality that we all wish we had. Go ahead. Ask some people you know or work with and ask them what their better qualities are. I bet most will say they are good listeners. And, when they tell you that, just smile and nod knowing you heard it from me first.

 We are not going to get all complex and breakdown communication into a 50 page dissertation that also cures insomnia. Most of the time, topics with big theoretical components rarely make sense in everyday life. I am cutting this down to the core and will give you sound suggestions for improving your listening skills. Yes, listening is a skill and needs to be developed. Listening goes along with participation. Face it. We like “us” and we want to be the one in the spotlight. Our needs, wants and “don’t wants” come first and we are told to “look out for number one.” Talking is a selfish act and listening is mostly a self-less act. Two completely different mind sets exist here and communication depends on the balance between the two. Now it is time to divulge the practical guide to effective listening.

1.      

SHUT UP

I realize that those words are crude and even banned in some households, but this is a no holds barred blog post. To be an effective and caring listener, one has to be quiet and allow the other person to talk.

2.      

Get Rid of Distractions

Stop texting, reading or watching TV while someone is speaking to you. Instead, invest all of your attention on the person needing a friend. Nothing drives me crazier than someone paying more attention to a text or any other distraction than to me.

3.      

Pay Attention

This is not the same as controlling distractions. Paying attention means focusing on what is being said to you and not on what your likely response will be. Do not merely listen to words, but also how the person speaks and all the nonverbal cues they give in posture, expression and distance.

4.      

 Do NOT Judge

Your place as a friend is not to dispense judgment. Finding someone who is non -judgmental is really difficult. You might have to listen to someone who does not share your values or ideas. I can tell you if you start judging, you will stop the much needed communication

5.     

 Clarify to Prompt More Discussion

Clarifying and confirming what you hear shows the other person you really ARE listening. Clarification proves important because often a person just lets loose of what is troubling them and may be hard to follow.

See, 5 easy steps to being a better listener. I know there are other ways to improve listening and I hope you feel like sharing some tips in the comments section. Take time and listen to someone today as you never know if that will be your last interaction with that person.

Samson and Mathias

Parents have enough pressure when it comes to raising kids. In laws, friends and family all hold expectations on what our kids should be. If a parent is intelligent, then the child must be a great student. If a parent is athletic, then the child is raised with the expectations of being great athlete.

In the book of Judges, Israel has been floundering as a nation because of disobedience. They (like us) never seemed to learn from their mistakes.

Now enter a couple who had never had any children. One day, an angel of the Lord appeared and dropped a bombshell. Not only were they going to have a child, but he would be responsible for starting the process of setting Israel free.
  
JUDGES 13
Manoah from the tribe of Dan lived in the town of Zorah. His wife was not able to have children, ^3-5 but one day an angel from the Lord appeared to her and said:

You have never been able to have any children, but very soon you will be pregnant and have a son. He will belong to God^[a] from the day he is born, so his hair must never be cut. And even before he is born, you must not drink any wine or beer or eat any food forbidden by God’s laws.
Your son will begin to set Israel free from the Philistines.

Wow, talk about parental pressure. Imagine the proud parents with little toddler Samson playing on the playground. They KNEW what was in store for their little boy. Manoah, I am sure, had some sleepless nights hoping he made the right choices.

Then the rest of the story of Samson in nutshell: He became the absolute baddest man on the planet, took his responsibility lightly, fell to temptation, suffered for his mistakes and then redeemed himself in one big grand finale. Seriously, read the story as my shortened version does not do it justice.

Samson had strength beyond comprehension and that came directly from God. God blessed this mighty man and he no doubt inspired so many around him. Samson gave his people hope.

The picture here is of my son Mathias. I took this on Sunday morning as he preferred to stay in the sanctuary instead of going to his class. He is standing in the aisle as he is too short to see the pastor from his seat. Yes, he stood for the whole sermon. An angel did not come to me to tell me that God had plans for Mathias. Mathias has Prader Willi Syndrome which is the polar opposite of Samson. Mathias has very poor muscle tone and very poor strength. But Mathias loves God like no one I have ever seen and I can not explain it. He plays church, he already understands and can explain salvation, he praises God and Jesus freely and often, and I have seen him witness to grown men in line at Taco Bell. 


I would like to sit and share a cup of coffee with Manoah. I would talk dad to dad and ask him one simple question: WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS KID?


God has entrusted this boy to ME. The kid looks up to ME. But, I know ME and I know my struggles, my shortcomings and my quirky ways that sometimes may not be too "godly". I fight a good fight daily and I know I come up way short daily.


So, I can tell you that daily I tell Mathias that we are to love others as we do ourselves and that we need to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. I think God is happy with me when I share that with my boy.

Got Chaos? This can help

I don’t know sometimes if the ideas that I get while running come from inspiration or hypoxia. I run in the stillness of the very early morning. I like it that way. Less traffic (although I would like it more if cars shared the empty road better). There is “less” of everything, including people, light and chaos. 

I find that running early gives me “my time” and it gives me quiet time.

Today as I plodded along, I realized that life is very short. We stay in such a rush and stay moving constantly. Take me for example, I get up early, work a job all day, and then keep up the pace all evening. Some days I feel like I never sit down. Add other obligations like swimming and special events and I end up running on empty.

The pursuit of chaos comes at a price. Stress affects the same things we are supposed to love God with: body, soul, mind and heart. Stress affects the body and has been linked to everything from diabetes to high blood pressure to cancer. Many experts feel obesity, one of the largest threats to American health, can be grossly worsened by stress.

Chaos affects my spiritual walk with God so I am sure others feel that way. When I am under the influence of stress, I tend to push and push and attempt to do more on my own. This goofy response is opposite of what Matthew 11:28-30 suggests: 

²⁸ If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take the yoke I give you. Put it on your shoulders and learn from me. I am gentle and humble, and you will find rest. ³⁰ This yoke is easy to bear, and this burden is light.

Does chaos affect the mind? Oh, but yes. Worries, stress, fears, and insecurities flood our minds until we feel like screaming. Sadly, screaming does not work long term and public screaming may cause more stress to accumulate. So, since screaming does not work, people pick even more unhealthy choices such as alcohol, drugs and many other vices too numerous to count. Many times these vices, along with prescription medications, allow a person the ability to take on even more stress.

We know that stress affects the heart in a literal sense, but it does have figurative meaning as well. Constant chaos and stress can change the way a person deals with another. In a way, I think chaos can ‘desensitize” a person and strip them of their empathy. In other words, a person can only be subjected so many times to a chaotic situation before they just don’t care anymore.

STRATEGIES TO STOP THE CHAOS
When things get chaotic, a big long list of ways to combat chaos only makes it worse. So, I have kept it simple and the 3 ways are somewhat similar.

REJOICE
When things are bad, and I mean REALLY bad, take time to thank God. What? Yes, Thank GOD for all He has done for you and the blessings you may take for granted. God appreciates our praise and no matter what is happening in our life, we still can find the blessings.

REFOCUS
When you are stressed and worried all you think about is that stressor. You spend hours going over every ”what if” scenario. That wastes time and energy and robs you of sleep. Instead, refocus on how you can seek God during that time. Remember, Jesus encouraged us to bring our burdens.

REDIRECT
Simply stated, do something different during that time of stress. Use the same 4 characteristics (mind, soul, body and heart) but engage in a different activity. For example, the stressor in your life is making you nuts. Take a time out and spend time helping someone else. Go for a walk. Read a book. Say a prayer.

We all are going to face chaotic situations. The more we try to do in life, the more chaotic it may become. Slow down and use the 3 Rs to minimize the stress.

Meet my guest blogger: Missy Radune

I have had the opportunity to meet people who I admire. Working in health care allowed me to meet Missy. I have read many of her Facebook posts and have felt uplifted and motivated by her words. I am not a selfish guy. I am sharing her words with you. 

First, I would like to thank John for asking me to contribute to his blog. It means a lot to me that he believes that I may be able to say something that may help someone. I will start by introducing myself. I am Missy Radune. I am a nurse for the Department of Veterans Affairs in Chillicothe, Ohio. I met John while he was working in a Veterans Community Based Outpatient Clinic. I am honored to call him a friend.  I have been married for 15 years to the most amazing man ever. We have three children. Connor, a seventh grader, Baleigh, a fourth grader, and our miracle son Cooper who is 4.  I have had many struggles in life but know that with God anything is possible.

I grew up in a small Christian Holiness Church in Kentucky, no, no snake handling. One thing that I learned growing up was the power and God in any situation, IF you give it all to God.

As I grew up, I would see many people’s lives changing. I would see parents praying for their children. I would hear children praying for their parents. I would see the love of a parent and a child; a love like no other.

I began to realize when I married and started having a family the sacrifice that God gave to us, by allowing his son to die for our sins. I could not imagine allowing one of my three children to be sacrificed so that others would be saved. But God loved us that much. God loved me even before he knew me, just like my parents loved me before they ever held me. Just like I had love for my three children the minute I knew God had blessed me with them.

Imagine what it must have been like for God to know that his son would have to die. Not just a normal death, such as a heart attack or death from old age, but Jesus had to suffer. Jesus had to give it all to God and say, “I’m yours, let it be finished.” Do you think that Jesus struggled in turning everything over to God? I think so, when he asked why he had been forsaken. God doesn’t want us  to suffer. God doesn’t want to us to hold anything back. God wants it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. God wants to take our lives, no matter how important or how minute and turn it into something wonderful.

Do I struggle in giving it all to God? Sure, an Christian does at some point in their life. What I strive for is to take one day at a time. As obstacles come before me, I try to focus on how God wants me to handle them. If I can’t do that alone, I ask God to help me. Life isn’t easy. I try to remember that with each curve ball that life throws at me, God is in the outfield. He is making sure that I can make around the bases because all God wants is for each of us to make it “HOME”.

Philippians 4:11 I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.

Blog Like No One is Reading

There is an old saying that goes something like this: Dance like no one is watching. So many people have lived life with that same enthusiasm and I completely understand it. Sometimes I fail to live that way, but I do get it.

When I was a teenager, a bunch of us guys played football every Sunday after church. We never needed to ask each other if we were playing. We just showed up, picked sides and played until late in the evening. We played in rain, snow and heat. All week long, we looked forward to doing that. Some of our games were huge and sometimes we did not have a large number of players.

I do not recall the last time we all got together and played. Most of us do not even stay in touch anymore. I know for sure two of the regulars have died but there could be more. Sometimes in the fall, the smell of the autumn air takes me back in my memories.

I wonder what we would have done differently if we had known it was the last time we would get together and play football. Part of me would like to think we would have all gone out to eat or had a cookout that celebrated the fun we shared. Would we have played a little while longer? Could each team have had the ball just one more time?

As an adult, I have often remembered this and have tried to apply this thinking to similar situations. I do remember the last time I played a real pickup game of basketball. My 3 older children and I had gone over to a basketball court near our house. We played hard and I was wearing a pair of deck shoes and ended up with blisters covering both feet. And I loved it.

That marked one of the last days my middle daughter spoke to me. That occurred more than 5 years ago and she still chooses to be estranged from me. She is an amazing young lady and I am so proud of her and I love her. I am pretty sure she does not share these sentiments but I can only control myself.

I decided to share this because I am going to blog like no one is reading. Part of the inspiration for this approach comes from reading The Thorn Hearts by Dr. Danuta Fabisiak. Recently I met Dr. Fabisiak and she is as genuine and forth coming as her book. She writes with truth and honesty and sometimes, I can read the pain in between the lines. That is real. That IS life.

So, what will you do today that might be the last time you do it? Will you run for health and even though you are distracted by life, finish your run? Will it be putting down the dish rag and playing for a few minutes with one of your kids? Will it be telling your spouse how much you appreciate them?

We are not guaranteed 5 more minutes. Live hard within your moral framework. Enjoy life. Tomorrow, I will be featuring a guest blogger and I know you will enjoy.

3 Ways to be Happy

You wake up in the morning and you hear the birds singing. “Why are they so happy?” Soon you imagine the neighbor’s cat finally catching the bird in the bird bath. You smile as the song “Circle of Life” plays in your mind. Chipper birds need to die on a regular basis and that satisfies your sleepy and grumpy soul.

Seriously, birds do not have mortgages, thankless jobs or squabbling kids. Heck, birds throw their young out of the nest at an early age. You run all this stuff through your head before you even open your eyes. Slowly, your eyes open and you realize the Rapture did not come and you are, indeed, ready to face another day. And, the new day is probably very similar to yesterday.

However, YOU have decided that today you will not have a bad day. You will not wish death upon the birds of the sky. You will not let dumb people strike a gold rush of sarcasm from your vast cache of stored bitterness. You are going to have a joyful day and you are going to like it.

Before I am accused of huffing inhalants or starting my new career as an alcoholic, I faced the same grumpiness this morning. I woke up at 4:30AM and it was a “running” day. So I stand up and immediately get into the floor because my feet, legs, hips and back refuse to operate functionally until I stretch. On the wood floors  in my bedroom, I fussed to myself that I am too old for all of this and I could really start tomorrow. To prove I have not lost my mind, I fussed QUIETLY because if I woke up my wife grumbling, then the bird in the tree stands a better chance of living until breakfast.

I finally go outside and it feels like I stepped into a slab of roast beef. Hot and humid at 4:45AM. Really? That just prompted more grumbling and then a couple blocks from the house, it hit me.

Make today a joyous day! Whoa, wait a minute, I am sweating and the Tin Man before oil moves better than me. Again, my brain tells me, “Have a joyous day!”. I have learned just to give in and trust God when my mind starts doing this. So, I tell God, “Okay, Dad, you win and will You show me how?”

Asking God for direction when I am unsure of the possibility DOES make sense. So, as I trod up and down the street, I began asking for guidance and came up with 3 simple ways to add joy. Maybe there would have been more but hypoxia from running may have limited the suggestions. I am to running what a grizzly bear is to tennis: We are both really hairy and the actions are unnatural.

Here are 3 ways to add joy in your day.

1  

L    LAUGH. With me, I either laugh at myself or I laugh at what comes out of my mind. I am easily entertained. I also enjoy hearing my wife and kids laugh and I go out of my way to make people smile and laugh at work. Remember, I work in a prison so although I have a captive audience, they are a bit of a hard crowd.

2   

      Do SOMETHING nice for someone you would not normally do. Remember when it was thought Boy Scouts would help little old people across the street? It was a good deed. I am not talking a huge thing, but I am talking about a random act of kindness. I was in line at the store the other day and the person in front of me miscalculated tax. Hey, it happens but they were 25 cents short. Well, they were not buying alcohol, cigarettes or weapons of mass destruction, so I just reached up and gave them a quarter. I mostly appreciated the shock on their face as they realized a complete stranger gave them a quarter.

3 

           Give someone a sincere compliment. Do this WITHOUT seeking secondary gain. Do not compliment the hot co-worker you have been dying to talk to.Jobs have sexual harassment laws and the idea of violating these laws will not add joy to your life. If you do this, it may free up some of your time, but your financial situation will suffer. Tell a co-worker how much you value their input. I can usually find a way to compliment my patients, even though they are prisoners. To me, they ARE not defined by their offense and they need to remember that God made them and, well, God does not make junk.

See, 3 easy ways to add joy to your life. If you don’t like these you can try:

1.     Watching 3 Stooges videos on YouTube

2.     Read an article or a book from an author you find funny

3.     Tell an old and corny joke

4.     Remember and share a funny story. I have TONS of there about my kids.

5.     Find a kid, play with them and soon you will smile.

Have a great day