The NUMBER ONE KEY to Friendship

Of all the resources and all the blogs, the fate of the Universe and the ONE thing that a friend MUST do will be revealed here today. There have been countless greeting cards, books and TV movies that depict what makes a great friend. I know, there have been many catchy tunes that have revealed secrets of friendship.

Friend has a simple enough definition. The online dictionary defines friend as “a person attached to another by personal feelings of affection or regard”. Many, including myself, hold a much deeper definition of friend. Friends are like 5 pound diamond: rare and extremely valuable. Reaching “friend” status takes a lot of time and effort, and the effort is well worth it.

Another concern I have with that store bought definition is that it eliminates everything except humans. I have had dogs that have lived up to “man’s best friend” and my son has a stuffed Goofy who could not be a better friend.

So what is THE secret to being a good friend and what can we all improve on to strengthen our friendships? What is THE ONE THING?...

Listen

Many people claim to be great listeners and it is a quality that we all wish we had. Go ahead. Ask some people you know or work with and ask them what their better qualities are. I bet most will say they are good listeners. And, when they tell you that, just smile and nod knowing you heard it from me first.

 We are not going to get all complex and breakdown communication into a 50 page dissertation that also cures insomnia. Most of the time, topics with big theoretical components rarely make sense in everyday life. I am cutting this down to the core and will give you sound suggestions for improving your listening skills. Yes, listening is a skill and needs to be developed. Listening goes along with participation. Face it. We like “us” and we want to be the one in the spotlight. Our needs, wants and “don’t wants” come first and we are told to “look out for number one.” Talking is a selfish act and listening is mostly a self-less act. Two completely different mind sets exist here and communication depends on the balance between the two. Now it is time to divulge the practical guide to effective listening.

1.      

SHUT UP

I realize that those words are crude and even banned in some households, but this is a no holds barred blog post. To be an effective and caring listener, one has to be quiet and allow the other person to talk.

2.      

Get Rid of Distractions

Stop texting, reading or watching TV while someone is speaking to you. Instead, invest all of your attention on the person needing a friend. Nothing drives me crazier than someone paying more attention to a text or any other distraction than to me.

3.      

Pay Attention

This is not the same as controlling distractions. Paying attention means focusing on what is being said to you and not on what your likely response will be. Do not merely listen to words, but also how the person speaks and all the nonverbal cues they give in posture, expression and distance.

4.      

 Do NOT Judge

Your place as a friend is not to dispense judgment. Finding someone who is non -judgmental is really difficult. You might have to listen to someone who does not share your values or ideas. I can tell you if you start judging, you will stop the much needed communication

5.     

 Clarify to Prompt More Discussion

Clarifying and confirming what you hear shows the other person you really ARE listening. Clarification proves important because often a person just lets loose of what is troubling them and may be hard to follow.

See, 5 easy steps to being a better listener. I know there are other ways to improve listening and I hope you feel like sharing some tips in the comments section. Take time and listen to someone today as you never know if that will be your last interaction with that person.

Samson and Mathias

Parents have enough pressure when it comes to raising kids. In laws, friends and family all hold expectations on what our kids should be. If a parent is intelligent, then the child must be a great student. If a parent is athletic, then the child is raised with the expectations of being great athlete.

In the book of Judges, Israel has been floundering as a nation because of disobedience. They (like us) never seemed to learn from their mistakes.

Now enter a couple who had never had any children. One day, an angel of the Lord appeared and dropped a bombshell. Not only were they going to have a child, but he would be responsible for starting the process of setting Israel free.
  
JUDGES 13
Manoah from the tribe of Dan lived in the town of Zorah. His wife was not able to have children, ^3-5 but one day an angel from the Lord appeared to her and said:

You have never been able to have any children, but very soon you will be pregnant and have a son. He will belong to God^[a] from the day he is born, so his hair must never be cut. And even before he is born, you must not drink any wine or beer or eat any food forbidden by God’s laws.
Your son will begin to set Israel free from the Philistines.

Wow, talk about parental pressure. Imagine the proud parents with little toddler Samson playing on the playground. They KNEW what was in store for their little boy. Manoah, I am sure, had some sleepless nights hoping he made the right choices.

Then the rest of the story of Samson in nutshell: He became the absolute baddest man on the planet, took his responsibility lightly, fell to temptation, suffered for his mistakes and then redeemed himself in one big grand finale. Seriously, read the story as my shortened version does not do it justice.

Samson had strength beyond comprehension and that came directly from God. God blessed this mighty man and he no doubt inspired so many around him. Samson gave his people hope.

The picture here is of my son Mathias. I took this on Sunday morning as he preferred to stay in the sanctuary instead of going to his class. He is standing in the aisle as he is too short to see the pastor from his seat. Yes, he stood for the whole sermon. An angel did not come to me to tell me that God had plans for Mathias. Mathias has Prader Willi Syndrome which is the polar opposite of Samson. Mathias has very poor muscle tone and very poor strength. But Mathias loves God like no one I have ever seen and I can not explain it. He plays church, he already understands and can explain salvation, he praises God and Jesus freely and often, and I have seen him witness to grown men in line at Taco Bell. 


I would like to sit and share a cup of coffee with Manoah. I would talk dad to dad and ask him one simple question: WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS KID?


God has entrusted this boy to ME. The kid looks up to ME. But, I know ME and I know my struggles, my shortcomings and my quirky ways that sometimes may not be too "godly". I fight a good fight daily and I know I come up way short daily.


So, I can tell you that daily I tell Mathias that we are to love others as we do ourselves and that we need to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. I think God is happy with me when I share that with my boy.

Blog Like No One is Reading

There is an old saying that goes something like this: Dance like no one is watching. So many people have lived life with that same enthusiasm and I completely understand it. Sometimes I fail to live that way, but I do get it.

When I was a teenager, a bunch of us guys played football every Sunday after church. We never needed to ask each other if we were playing. We just showed up, picked sides and played until late in the evening. We played in rain, snow and heat. All week long, we looked forward to doing that. Some of our games were huge and sometimes we did not have a large number of players.

I do not recall the last time we all got together and played. Most of us do not even stay in touch anymore. I know for sure two of the regulars have died but there could be more. Sometimes in the fall, the smell of the autumn air takes me back in my memories.

I wonder what we would have done differently if we had known it was the last time we would get together and play football. Part of me would like to think we would have all gone out to eat or had a cookout that celebrated the fun we shared. Would we have played a little while longer? Could each team have had the ball just one more time?

As an adult, I have often remembered this and have tried to apply this thinking to similar situations. I do remember the last time I played a real pickup game of basketball. My 3 older children and I had gone over to a basketball court near our house. We played hard and I was wearing a pair of deck shoes and ended up with blisters covering both feet. And I loved it.

That marked one of the last days my middle daughter spoke to me. That occurred more than 5 years ago and she still chooses to be estranged from me. She is an amazing young lady and I am so proud of her and I love her. I am pretty sure she does not share these sentiments but I can only control myself.

I decided to share this because I am going to blog like no one is reading. Part of the inspiration for this approach comes from reading The Thorn Hearts by Dr. Danuta Fabisiak. Recently I met Dr. Fabisiak and she is as genuine and forth coming as her book. She writes with truth and honesty and sometimes, I can read the pain in between the lines. That is real. That IS life.

So, what will you do today that might be the last time you do it? Will you run for health and even though you are distracted by life, finish your run? Will it be putting down the dish rag and playing for a few minutes with one of your kids? Will it be telling your spouse how much you appreciate them?

We are not guaranteed 5 more minutes. Live hard within your moral framework. Enjoy life. Tomorrow, I will be featuring a guest blogger and I know you will enjoy.

Fasting? Bless your heart..

The “bless your heart” thing is a Southern expression that precedes something less than desirable that must be pointed out to another person. For example, this has been heard on more than one occasion, 

“Fasting? Well. Bless your heart. Are you insane?”…

Few things provoke others to think that you have lost your mind more than fasting. It just is not natural. Our lives revolve around food. In our house, the food issue proves even more problematic because of Mathias’ Prader Willi Syndrome. But, even if you do not have a perpetually hungry kid in your house, the emphasis on food is everywhere.

So, you tell a co-worker that you are not eating lunch because you are voluntarily fasting, and they look at you with pity. I am not sure if they feel sorry for my hunger of they feel sorry that I have finally lost my last thread of sanity. “Experts” come out of the wood work and tell me fasting is bad for my health (but all the cheeseburgers I have consumed over the years are BETTER?). After they have exhausted their pity and health lectures and have determined I may not be insane, they all want to know, “Why?”

That is a legitimate question. I have studied various authors on the subject and I have done my Biblical research (although I am not a scholar) and have come up with a mnemonic device to explain my insanity.

F- Facing challenges or obstacles

A-Attention focused towards God                                                                                

S-Submission of the flesh

T-Times of repentance

I-Increase receptivity to Divine Intervention

N-No, NO and NO to temptation

G- Gain humility

FACING CHALLENGES

I have mentioned Paul Finck in the past. He does not see roadblocks, but rather sees challenges that one needs to conquer. Goodness knows I have a lot of challenges in my life and I make a boat load of obstacles that get in my own way. I know that, if left up to me, I am going to make a mess of things. Ask my wife. I need help facing these challenges so fasting allows me to lean on Jesus and less on myself.

ATTENTION TOWARDS GOD

I love this one. I discovered this during a 40 day fast and I sadly allowed the chaos of life to get in the way of this. Food is symbolic of life clutter. There are a few things in which to choose from of solid value and lots of junk available. With each hunger pain, take a deep breath and draw closer to God.

SUBMISSION OF THE FLESH

I have always been a pretty strong guy. This has been problematic as I tend to think I can handle many things by myself. When I get in a bind, I usually try harder and that is not smart. Flesh is weak. Period. I may do a whole blog entry on weakness of the flesh.

TIMES OF REPENTANCE

Repentant fasts are common in the Bible. To be truly repentant means to feel so sorrowfully remorse that it hurts. Too many times we feel sorry for a sin but lack that deep remorse necessary to impact one’s life. Repentance causes so much pain that committing the same sin goes against sound judgment. When we hurt that badly, we should turn to Jesus for comfort. Fasting helps us focus on not only the repentance but also the healing that follows.

INCREASED RECEPTIVITY

When you are fasting and leaning on God, you find yourself able to listen to that still small voice better. As a fast continues, one gives up more and more control and trusts God more every day. I know, this does not make any sense and I would not have believed it either if it had not happened to me.

NO, NO and NO!

Fasting helps us deal with temptation in so many ways. First, you overcome that tempting candy bar. Then, you overcome the urge to sneak a little supper. But the lessons you learn from food can then be applied to bigger and more dominant temptations in your life. The thing is, God will help you through ALL of the temptations. But you must be willing to trust Him and really want to avoid the temptation.

GAIN HUMILITY

I have not experienced anything more humbling than a fast. The most obvious to me was the physical effect of a fast. I exercised throughout my previous fast as I found that it helped me build psychological, emotional and spiritual strength but I can tell you my physical strength plummeted, which I found humbling. Endurance, speed and strength vanished. I cannot emphasize enough to newbie fasters to expect some serious weakness, especially at the beginning.

There you have it. If you can spell “fasting” you can come up with reasons for those you encounter. I have also found it useful to set the end date, look at it, and then focus on each minute of each day. Lean on Him to get you to the end.

3 Reasons NOT to negotiate with God

Life is a humbling experience. Take this blog for example. I feel God is leading me to blog and express my intentions to be a real follower. On the first post, I laid it out there that I would be fasting a portion of the week. In reality, I have found myself saying, "OK, God. I will start tomorrow. Today I have ____ and, well I need to eat. please don't take offense, Great Creator of the Universe, but I have this one.". I didn't actually say THOSE words daily but pretty much actions are louder than words. Funny, me, the guy with the messed up life, telling God when the best time to really get started.

I have come up with 3 reasons why negotiating with God makes no sense at all. I plan on reading this aloud and to myself when I get the notion I am omnipotent.

1. Pride mucks up the water. Personal pride comes at a cost. It causes us to lose our humility and puts us in a position to become arrogant. We start expressing statements that lead with "I" and do not give the credit to God. I wonder of Dr. Phil would have asked Jonah, "How's that running from Ninevah working for you?" (I do wonder if it would have been more like, "How doest that worketh for thy well being?" to give it some KJV feel). Jonah thought he knew to avoid those nasty Ninevites  and his decision would work out best for him. God felt otherwise and just for Jonah, He added a bonus trip to the inside of a giant fish. We need to remember the simple verse in Proverbs (29:23)
                                       Too much pride brings disgrace humility leads to honor.

2. Rationalization often goes against God's will. This one comes up all the time. We feel God is leading us somewhere to do something special, but we go and get all rational about it. What about the kids-will the schools be any good? What about all of our stuff? The list goes on and on. One of my favorite authors Tim Ferriss has a quote about rationalization that I appreciate.
                Pure hell forces action, but anything less can be endured with enough rationalization

Action, or the act of following God's will may go against our better judgement. That is the beauty of relying on God to guide us opposed to what we can come with ourselves. Anyone ever felt the conviction of NOT following God's will? That feeling is pretty nasty.


3. Surrender to get freedom This really does not make sense. The old hymn says "I surrender all", not "I surrender just some of the stuff because I really like being in control". Not only does that not rhyme or fit any kind of musical meter, it minimizes the potential effect that can be exerted on your life. Hmm..should I do it (see 'screw up' and my picture pops up on Wiki) or should I let God direct me? No brainer, huh?


Negotiating with God makes no sense. We parents see the futility when our kids try and negotiate with us and I have never parted the Red Sea or raised people from the dead, so think of our futility and selfishness when we try to negotiate with Him.

"Core training"

He answered: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Luke 10:27

Core training holds the fascination of the fitness and wellness world. To me, it makes perfect sense and the other aspects of life could also stand some core strengthening. Jesus tells us to love with all of our strength, heart, soul and mind. Jesus defines the areas of humanity here and these are the aspects of my life I am getting zealous about improving.

Strength We have all been temples (bodies) that we use to work, play and WORSHIP. I am among those who have neglected the, shall we say, maintenance of the temple. Strength, to me, equates as fitness and I must use my knowledge to make some changes.

Mind. Oh, my I struggle with this one. How can I be diligent and zealous about praising God when all I say is negative stuff (mostly about myself?) My mind is polluted with doubt, fear, sadness, bitterness and about every other vile and nasty trait imaginable.

Soul My soul belongs to God through the actions of Jesus, my Savior. I need to act like I am eternally grateful and explore more of what Jesus means by "soul" in praise.

Heart. Wow, this means all the great things that Paul mentions in Galatians. I know, they are called "fruit of the spirit", but if I have them in my heart, then my mouth will follow and I will be living a life closer to the ideal of Jesus. Oh, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control"--Galatians 5:22-23

Now, I am embarking on a journey. Tonight, I will continue my prayers and start mapping out the details. Tomorrow is Monday and I know a 4:30 AM wake up call to exercise is in the cards. The rest will follow and all I know is that God does have plans for me because he has not made any junk.