Wow, it has been months since I have blogged. Hmm..let's recap. I have moved again, this time back to Panama City Beach. I have been very under-employed.. I have rarely looked at social media as most of it is not social, but political media. I have been humbled, if not humiliated by the events of life. I have laid pavers on the road of good intentions just to find roadblocks and traffic jams. It has given me too much time for self reflection.
I have been a good dad, and I have been a bad dad. The same could be said for my abilities as a husband, friend, nurse, employer and entrepreneur. I have consistently been a procrastinator and at the same time been a worrier. That's like being a diabetic and having a chocolate feast daily. I have been depressed and I admit in a very, very dark place the last couple of months. I mean a really dark place.
It dawned on me that there has been too much emphasis on "me". Look at the previous 2 paragraphs and you will see more than a dozen references to me. I am making a mess of my life. I have made decisions that have jeopardized my family's stability. Anytime there is that much "I " crap, selfishness rules.
My focus is out of whack. My rabbit ears needs some aluminum foil. Panic attacks began waking me in the middle of the night. I must say, being underemployed sucks. One morning, the scripture in Luke came to me. Luke 12:22-34 has been weighing on my mind a lot. Being the great procrastinator, I have been putting this off with the idea I can make things better. I sit here with the flu and I am publically admitting I am not capable of making anything better. I quit. I surrender.
And I will win! I am giving up the daily grind of life to God. He is not going to let me starve. He provided a job for me that starts in 2 days. I am one day closer to freedom. We all want freedom, whether it's financial freedom, freedom from worry, or freedom to bear arms. Humans desire freedom. I cannot produce freedom, and only God can provide true freedom. I have sadly seen so many Facebook arguments about the existence of God. I know He exists. That defines faith. I pray for those who mock believers. I even read a post where a guy called the disciples "sheep herders". That is expected and although I can make no sense of such comments, that person is free to believe that. I know and admit I have done a lot of terrible things but my faith tells me I am not perfect, yet I am forgiven by grace. Granted, I do not like it when others point out my sins, but they are sins regardless.
I don't know about you, but I want to be free from a lot of stuff. Stuff that gets in my way and stuff that may require supernatural intervention. I desire a true transformation. I guess I am back and I will chronicle my quest for transformation and freedom...Freedom Acquired through Supernatural Transformation.
Good evening.
ReplyDeleteGood to see another post from you. I check occasionally but had missed this one for a bit.
I think many people are in a state of metamorphosis, myself included..and that is what I believe it is...great internal and external change. And for such changes to occur, a death of sorts must occur..a death of our former selves. That is most usually painful. I know that it has been very dark and painful in my own situation.
A wise person once told me that in the midst of all the chaos, change and opportunity will eventually arise. What I have also learned on my own is that sometimes it may come in ways we never envisioned at the outset.
In my own circumstances, I have failed at anything that I attempted to attain. My way certainly has not worked.
I have stopped trying to second guess God as well as myself.
So I have learned to let go. I am absolutely back to basics. I have found a greater sense of peace and a deeper communion with God, as I know Him. than I have in over a decade, perhaps in my entire life.
I am not trying to control where I am going anymore. I am seeking and waiting for God to open the path and light the way.
None of us are perfect.
We all require an abundance of His Grace and Mercy every single day.
We all can learn from every step of every path we have walked if we will but allow ourselves to do so.
And isn't it good to know, that as it was with the prodigal..Our Father in Heaven also stands with loving, open arms rejoicing over our return...
Nothing I have just written is new. You can read this in books, hear this on tv, radio and in churches everywhere.
I am only currently experiencing this and sharing.
I am going to fail at times. I am never, ever going to be my own ideal of perfect. I have had to learn to forgive myself. If I cannot forgive myself, how can I accept God's forgiveness?
I just want to enjoy every experience of every ordinary day. I don't want to miss one smile or one tear of my children/grandchildren. I want to experience the joy that can be found in the simplicities of life. I have learned to become quiet and draw closer with God.
I want to look at the world as I did when I was a child and see the awesome wonder of it all and to feel blessed by everything I encounter.
I have come to the conclusion that although my physical life may never meet my imagination's ideal..I am going to embrace everything that is placed before me. God knows what I truly need much better than I do.
But I could not have come to this place, if I had not walked the path that I have. And because of this, I do not regret any of it.
I look forward to a deeper journey with God.
I pray that all is well on your path.
Thank you, again, for sharing your own experiences so that we may learn more as well.
You help others lighten their load and to feel as if they are not alone in their own struggles. You are a blessing.
In sharing your journey through the desert, you are doing God's work.
I am always blessed and humbled by your post. I love you and your family.
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